Parenting On Mount Everest

Melody Aguayo • November 22, 2024

“Mom, I bet if you didn’t have a husband and kids, you would be in Nepal with Uncle Gabe hiking in the Himalayas.” I don’t think I have ever loved my kid more than that moment for seeing past the daily habits necessary to keep our world on its axis right into my soul that longs for adventure. Since Gabe moved to Nepal, there are daily conversations about the Himalayas in our house. As my brother was discussing the different options of hiking Mt. Everest or the more moderate, but reportedly more beautiful, Annapurna mountain, I started to think about how each parent has different types of mountains he/she must face. Parenting is NEVER easy, or cheap, or pure joy, without being mixed with sorrow. But some parents are facing Mount Everest and others are facing Lookout Mountain.

Parenting On the Appalachian Plateau

Parenting typical kids is like parenting on Lookout Mountain in Chattanooga, Tennessee. There are places there where the hike can get tough, but your chances of making it out alive with your children intact are pretty good. Sure, it is possible to sprain an ankle or break a leg opting for the more risky activities, but rescue would be close by, and you might even make the evening news becoming a celebrity. It takes very little to become a celebrity in Tennessee. There are many ways to reach the peak of that mound and many ways to descend safely. Speaking of the peak, some say you can see 7 states from the top of Lookout. Others say the farthest you can see is 100 miles, but still the visibility at the top is usually pretty clear. You can choose adventures on Lookout like skydiving or hang gliding, or you can descend the mountain by road. I have never once heard a person say, “We are going to Chattanooga this weekend. I sure hope we all get off Lookout Mountain alive!”

Parenting in the Himalayas

Did you know that great parents can have really hard kids? Often it is these very parents that are putting in ten times the effort and may never see the progress that other parents see with easy kids. These parents are parenting on Mount Everest. These parents need oxygen, training, conditioning, Sherpas, and may or may not die before descending the mountain. These parents actually wonder all the time, “Are my kids going to make it? How much longer can I climb this impossible summit? Will I still be able to climb this when I am 50? What if I die before he/she is, Ok? Can our marriage endure this stress? Will our other children hate us one day for all the resources we poured into one child?”

The hike is so perilous and complicated that climbers need to spend weeks sometimes just acclimating to the altitude before starting the hike. Literally, one needs weeks just concentrating on breathing and normal body functions that one should never have to spend a minute thinking about. “Hey, is my heart still beating? I wonder if my kidneys are still working.” The dangers of this type of parenting include breathing problems (panic attachs are common on Everest ) nausea (yes, throwing up after IEP meetings is a thing) impaired speech (trust me, there are days so stressful these parents are heroes for stringing words together that make any sort of sense), confusion and hallucinations (PTSD is a real thing, folks, and these parents experience PTSD from parenting on Mount Everest), and heart attacks (I have had SEVERAL rock star parents this year with early heart issues from the stress of parenting on the Himalayas).

Parenting in the Death Zone

Two thirds of the people that have died on Everest are still there, icicles on the mountain frozen in time, some becoming landmarks for hikers. When you pass the guy with the green boots, you know you are close to the finish line and be careful because the lady in the orange parka is sitting on a crumbling glacier. Over 200 people have never come back from their hike. Conditions are so treacherous that no one is willing to take them off the mountain, so they are stuck. In fact, the top part of the mountain is known as the “death zone”, and people even die descending the mountain.

Mt. Everest straddles Nepal, Tibet, and China, yet often there is no visibility from the summit. I had a friend who reached the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro in Kenya but can’t remember the last three days of the hike because her brain was so oxygen deprived. I wonder how many people reach the summit of Mt. Everest and can’t even remember what it was like. I wonder how many parents would even know if they reached the tallest peak in the world, the apex of parenthood!

Superhero Parents Trek On

Various statistics have been reported, but only about 600 reach the pinnacle each year. I bet many people who stand at the bottom or see it from a distance say, “Shoot, why would anyone do that? It is impossible.” These superhero parents may look bedraggled, cold, frostbitten, and half-dead, but they are doing this just for a chance (an unlikely one) that they will summit this mountain eventually. I just can’t think of anything braver than this act of love for their child. I can’t think of any cause more noble than believing in your kid, despite all odds being against you. There is very little allure at undergoing such a task. These parents believe that their children have inherent value, not because they are doing something right, but because they are theirs. Their summit may mean that their child lives successfully in a group home one day. It may mean that their adult children learn to live peacefully at home. It may mean that their child is one day able to have a job. It may just mean that their child is alive at 35. Their summit brings no round of applause, no bragging rights, and no rest. Once you reach the summit of Everest, the urgency to make it down alive continues. There is no rest for these parents.


Really amazing parents can have really hard kids. Really hard kids are also really amazing kids. You can’t judge a parent based on how far he/she has climbed up the mountain. Some parents will never summit their mountain, and yet they have put forth more effort than some people can fathom. They are the ponderous superheroes with unremarkable powers but remarkable love for their child. Their powers are shown in simple acts of love – a cuddle on the couch after enduring hours of rage, the bravery of laughter after hearing their child got kicked out of yet another school, reaching for their spouse when shame is threatening to close in around them. Simple acts on Everest, where people are left frozen in time, show astonishing love and generosity.

Trauma, Boundaries, and the Battle for Safety

By Melody Aguayo • March 28, 2025
To Set Appropriate Boundaries, You Must Have an Experience of Safety Children who have experienced developmental trauma (in the womb or in early childhood) have an over-active arousal system. This means that even if they are safe, they don’t feel safe. This lack of understanding what “safe” feels like creates lots of boundary issues as they get older. The Under-Boundaried Kid “I feel like I can’t let my kid out of my sight.” “My kid would follow someone off a cliff.” “My kids would try any substance that was given to them. They literally have no sense of independence or safety.” These are the types of phrases I hear from parents with under-boundaried kids. These kids do generally well in the right environment, but if there are rotten apples in the bunch, they join them quickly in whatever activity they are engaging in. They may stay out of trouble until they get a phone, and then they begin to unravel at that point. The Over-Boundaried Kid “My child is always ready to fight.” “Honestly, I hate to ask anything of her. I would rather do it myself than deal with her attitude for every small request.” “My kiddo bosses everyone around. I am shocked he still has any friends.” “She doesn’t care if she breaks our rules or makes us upset.” “He just does whatever he wants.” These are some phrases I hear from parents of over-boundaried kids. These kiddos often avoid safety and seek danger out. Safety feels unfamiliar to them. Safety feels boring and eerily peaceful. Yes, kids can also move back and forth between being over-boundaried and under- boundaried as well, which is extra complicated.

Trapped in Toxicity: Protecting Children from Harmful Environments

By Melody Aguayo • March 21, 2025
Be a Good Parent-Detective No child will come to you and say, “I have been placed in a toxic environment where my growth is limited, and my feelings of safety are compromised.” They don’t have the ability to keep themselves safe. I’m always very irritated when I hear of Bully campaigns that put the responsibility on the victim for seeking help and telling adults. In an ideal world that would happen, but that is just not possible for most victimized children. It is the adults’ job to structure the environment for safety, not the kids’ job to keep themselves safe. You just have to learn to recognize the signs, and if you are confused, then go to the child’s suspected toxic environment and gather information. Volunteer in their school or Sunday School class and observe how your child is functioning in those settings. Don’t listen to other adults more than you listen to your child’s behaviors. No one will pay attention to your child the way you do. I have had so many parents say different versions of these statements to me over the years: “The teacher said he was well liked, but when I observed him in his classroom, I could tell he irritated everyone.” “The school counselor says he is doing fine, but anytime I show up at a classroom party, he is hiding from the other kids.” “The soccer coach doesn’t see any issues at all, but when I pick him up from soccer, he is so dysregulated that it takes me all evening to settle him down.” I understand there are times you can’t take a child out of a toxic environment. Let’s say the neighborhood kids are all mean to your kid, and moving is just not a financial option for your family. In these situations, we can do our best to build a hedge of protection around our kids with more structure. You can tell your child that they are not allowed to play with the neighborhood kids, and instead you can figure out a couple of play dates a week with someone who is kind to them. This will be more time and trouble for you, but this teaches your child that we say “no” to toxic environments and nurture safe ones.

How to get free childcare in the summer?

By Melody Aguayo • March 7, 2025
Sign up for every VBS within a 20-minute drive from your home. If you plan it out well and start early, you can end up with 6 or 7 weeks of free childcare. Plus, you have the added benefit of having your kids scream, “Hey, that’s our church!” every time you drive past any chapel in any direction. Do not hold me accountable for the annoying songs your children will sing loudly ALL YEAR LONG even if your eyes start twitching. And you know how you “lose” things you no longer want your kids to play with, watch, or listen to? Well, you can only “lose” two of the song CDs before your kids catch on.

If Adopted Infants Had ACE Scores

By Melody Aguayo • February 21, 2025
I find it interesting that we consider infants to have “risk factors”, but there is no ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score for a newborn. Why is it that infants have “risk factors”, but then as soon as they are born healthy with an Apgar score above 8, everyone breathes a sigh of relief?

The Differences in Sexual Development in Children with Complex Trauma

By Melody Aguayo • February 14, 2025
Sometimes I think organizations hire me just to talk about things like “masturbation”. When is the last time a parent posted on Facebook about their kindergartner, “Noel just showed the neighbor her vagina and asked to see his penis!” Or how about, “I caught Miles looking at pornography for the third time!” Both of these things are about as common as someone winning the cross country meet, but they aren’t discussed. Parents are discreet about sex, and by the time most kids go through puberty, the kids understand this discretion. However, this isn’t true of all kids.

When Meeting Kids’ Needs Is No Longer Fun

By Melody Aguayo • February 7, 2025
“You have never had to do anything this hard in your life,” our teen son said to us after being given the job of raking and moving an enormous pile of leaves to the front yard. We burst into laughter. He felt so persecuted, when in reality he could move those leaves a thousand times, and it wouldn’t come close to the amount of time, energy, agony, stress, effort, and money that we have put into raising him. Kids are naturally self-centered. Even the most responsible, hard- working, compassionate kids are naturally self-serving.

When Parents Lose Their Minds over “Flip Sequin” Shirts

By Melody Aguayo • January 30, 2025
There is a new fad called “brush changing sequins”. You can find these appealing, brushing sequins on everything from key chains to bedspreads. I had a little girl come into my office with a flip sequin t-shirt on the other day. It was dark blue with a large, glittery silver heart on the front. I am thirty-seven, almost thirty-eight years old, and let me tell you that I had to restrain myself from reaching out and brushing the sequins up and down on her shirt.

Window of Tolerance

By Melody Aguayo • January 23, 2025
"We all have a window of tolerance. When we are operating outside of that window, we behave badly. This window is widening or shrinking, depending on what happens during the day. When we sleep well, eat well, and get the physical movement that we need, our window is larger. Every choice we make during the day either enlarges the window or shrinks it. Every trauma that a person endures shrinks that window of tolerance.

Life on a Raft; Isolation in Families with Special Needs

By Melody Aguayo • January 16, 2025
We still live on the raft, but we visit the island frequently now.  At some point along the way, we got used to the sweetness of the raft – the way it doesn’t matter what you have there or who you are – the way you focus on all the treasures you have, and they seem so many while you are on the raft – the closeness of the people on the raft and those sweet friends that join us here on occasion.
surviving middle school

Surviving Middle School

By Melody Aguayo • January 9, 2025
Let’s face it. Middle school sucks. There is this food chain in middle school, and everyone is in survival mode trying to stay off the bottom of the food chain at any cost. Kids do things in middle school that they wouldn’t do at any other age. They are all pretty terrified of social rejection, and regardless of their popularity status, they all feel rejected at times.
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