Cell Phones and the Illusion of Connection

Melody Aguayo • November 15, 2024

Peace over Connection

Years ago we went to our favorite Thai restaurant. At the table next to us, there was a large family eating out. It consisted of a set of grandparents, parents, and one sullen teenage boy. We were there a full two hours, and so were they. This place has amazing food and is often understaffed. In those two hours, my kids argued with each other three different times, threw pieces of napkins at each other, and one child accused the other of spitting on them. Maybe it will surprise you to hear that my kids, at that time, were not toddlers. They were teens! Maybe that won’t surprise you at all. I find that toddlers and teens have a great deal in common. 


Despite our loud, somewhat disruptive, and increasingly active table, we also discussed politics, consenting relationships, and plans for the holidays. In one two-hour time slot, we experienced frustration, joy, hunger, laughter, Impatience, and compelling conversations. This required a high level of engagement from all of us. Engagement is exhausting. It is easier to plop a child in front of a screen or allow teenagers to disappear into the hollows of their bedrooms with their phones, only to emerge hours later for a restroom break. It is a million times easier to have a conversation with your spouse if your children are occupied with video games. It is easier only in the short run. Like anything else, payment will come due, and then you will realize all the time you missed, all the skills they never practiced, all the hobbies they never explored, and all the friends with skin they never had. Sure, they are kindred spirits with Sasha in Russia who they play Fortnite with hours a day, but they have never been invited to Sasha’s house and will never experience Sasha’s mom cooking them piles of blini with huge dollops of compote and sour cream served on top. 


The teenager at the other table spent the entire time, eyes glazed over, staring at the screen on his phone. The adults in his family were all talking around him, and he never once popped his head up to chime into their conversation. It was such a peaceful family outing with such a disconnected teen. 

Can Kids Today Survive Without a Phone?

One study found that just five days of no screen time improved kids’ abilities to read the emotions of other people.  Another study found that the more time spent on screens, the less happy teens were.  I know what you are thinking.  You are picturing how miserable your teen is when he/she loses screen time – the incessant whining, nagging, and misery.  This, folks, is withdrawal from something that gives such quick gratification that initially it seems impossible to live without it. 


I have at times required that a family reduce or eliminate screen time if I am going to work with them.  What surprises me is the resistance of parents to do this.  They know that when they take away screen time, their kids experience mood swings, anxiety, frustration, irritability, loneliness, etc.  Basically these kids experience all of the emotional withdrawal symptoms that an addict experiences. I have worked before with teens without a history of aggression who shove their mom when she tries to take the cell phone away and then rage for hours. 


Some teens can handle cell phones and the restrictions that should come with them if being supervised appropriately.  Some teens truly cannot.  If your child screams at you or throws something across the room every time you set a cell phone limit, then she/he can’t handle the stress of having a phone.  It is a kindness to remove that stressor as a parent.  If you don’t believe that, then you are probably buying into these cell phone myths.

Myths About Cell Phones

1. Your Teen Can’t Have a Social Life Without One

I am amazed at how many parents buy into this one. Not only do they agree to buy their children phones, but they often get them a newer model because everyone knows that a 13 year old without an iPhone 7 would be a complete social outcast, right? No, but parents believe this. They truly feel like they are depriving their children of a social life if they don’t have a cell phone.  Very little meaningful interaction happens over text (which is mostly what kids do today). 


2. Cell Phones Increase Safety

Your child is many times more likely to be bullied or preyed on via a cell phone than she/he ever is in person.  It is safer to let your children walk home alone from school than it is to allow them to go in their rooms, close their doors, and have access to their cell phones.  Also, you might be a tech guru, but kids know exactly how to get around the safeguards you put in place to supervise their cell phone use; if they don’t, Joey on the school bus does, so that phone is not as locked down as you think it is.

3. Cell Phones Increase My Availability To My Child

One set of researchers found that the more frequent the calls from parents to a child’s cell phone, the less knowledge parents had about their child and the more family disharmony they reported.  Cellphones do NOT replace face-to-face interactions and cannot begin to touch the nuances of intuition when you are spending time with your child.  The truth is your child having a cell phone is going to decrease the amount of time you spend with him/her. 


4.  Cell Phones Are Great Motivators

Many parents think that their children’s greatest currency is losing or earning back their cell phones.  But the truth is that having a cell phone decreases motivation in almost every other way.  Your teens owning cell phones decreases the chances that they will want to engage with the family.  It decreases the chances that they will feel motivated to start their own business.  It decreases the chances that they will teach themselves how to play an instrument.  It basically eliminates all boredom from their lives, and with that takes away the motivation to seek out relationships, learn new skills, and pursue creativity. 

Trauma, Boundaries, and the Battle for Safety

By Melody Aguayo • March 28, 2025
To Set Appropriate Boundaries, You Must Have an Experience of Safety Children who have experienced developmental trauma (in the womb or in early childhood) have an over-active arousal system. This means that even if they are safe, they don’t feel safe. This lack of understanding what “safe” feels like creates lots of boundary issues as they get older. The Under-Boundaried Kid “I feel like I can’t let my kid out of my sight.” “My kid would follow someone off a cliff.” “My kids would try any substance that was given to them. They literally have no sense of independence or safety.” These are the types of phrases I hear from parents with under-boundaried kids. These kids do generally well in the right environment, but if there are rotten apples in the bunch, they join them quickly in whatever activity they are engaging in. They may stay out of trouble until they get a phone, and then they begin to unravel at that point. The Over-Boundaried Kid “My child is always ready to fight.” “Honestly, I hate to ask anything of her. I would rather do it myself than deal with her attitude for every small request.” “My kiddo bosses everyone around. I am shocked he still has any friends.” “She doesn’t care if she breaks our rules or makes us upset.” “He just does whatever he wants.” These are some phrases I hear from parents of over-boundaried kids. These kiddos often avoid safety and seek danger out. Safety feels unfamiliar to them. Safety feels boring and eerily peaceful. Yes, kids can also move back and forth between being over-boundaried and under- boundaried as well, which is extra complicated.

Trapped in Toxicity: Protecting Children from Harmful Environments

By Melody Aguayo • March 21, 2025
Be a Good Parent-Detective No child will come to you and say, “I have been placed in a toxic environment where my growth is limited, and my feelings of safety are compromised.” They don’t have the ability to keep themselves safe. I’m always very irritated when I hear of Bully campaigns that put the responsibility on the victim for seeking help and telling adults. In an ideal world that would happen, but that is just not possible for most victimized children. It is the adults’ job to structure the environment for safety, not the kids’ job to keep themselves safe. You just have to learn to recognize the signs, and if you are confused, then go to the child’s suspected toxic environment and gather information. Volunteer in their school or Sunday School class and observe how your child is functioning in those settings. Don’t listen to other adults more than you listen to your child’s behaviors. No one will pay attention to your child the way you do. I have had so many parents say different versions of these statements to me over the years: “The teacher said he was well liked, but when I observed him in his classroom, I could tell he irritated everyone.” “The school counselor says he is doing fine, but anytime I show up at a classroom party, he is hiding from the other kids.” “The soccer coach doesn’t see any issues at all, but when I pick him up from soccer, he is so dysregulated that it takes me all evening to settle him down.” I understand there are times you can’t take a child out of a toxic environment. Let’s say the neighborhood kids are all mean to your kid, and moving is just not a financial option for your family. In these situations, we can do our best to build a hedge of protection around our kids with more structure. You can tell your child that they are not allowed to play with the neighborhood kids, and instead you can figure out a couple of play dates a week with someone who is kind to them. This will be more time and trouble for you, but this teaches your child that we say “no” to toxic environments and nurture safe ones.

How to get free childcare in the summer?

By Melody Aguayo • March 7, 2025
Sign up for every VBS within a 20-minute drive from your home. If you plan it out well and start early, you can end up with 6 or 7 weeks of free childcare. Plus, you have the added benefit of having your kids scream, “Hey, that’s our church!” every time you drive past any chapel in any direction. Do not hold me accountable for the annoying songs your children will sing loudly ALL YEAR LONG even if your eyes start twitching. And you know how you “lose” things you no longer want your kids to play with, watch, or listen to? Well, you can only “lose” two of the song CDs before your kids catch on.

If Adopted Infants Had ACE Scores

By Melody Aguayo • February 21, 2025
I find it interesting that we consider infants to have “risk factors”, but there is no ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score for a newborn. Why is it that infants have “risk factors”, but then as soon as they are born healthy with an Apgar score above 8, everyone breathes a sigh of relief?

The Differences in Sexual Development in Children with Complex Trauma

By Melody Aguayo • February 14, 2025
Sometimes I think organizations hire me just to talk about things like “masturbation”. When is the last time a parent posted on Facebook about their kindergartner, “Noel just showed the neighbor her vagina and asked to see his penis!” Or how about, “I caught Miles looking at pornography for the third time!” Both of these things are about as common as someone winning the cross country meet, but they aren’t discussed. Parents are discreet about sex, and by the time most kids go through puberty, the kids understand this discretion. However, this isn’t true of all kids.

When Meeting Kids’ Needs Is No Longer Fun

By Melody Aguayo • February 7, 2025
“You have never had to do anything this hard in your life,” our teen son said to us after being given the job of raking and moving an enormous pile of leaves to the front yard. We burst into laughter. He felt so persecuted, when in reality he could move those leaves a thousand times, and it wouldn’t come close to the amount of time, energy, agony, stress, effort, and money that we have put into raising him. Kids are naturally self-centered. Even the most responsible, hard- working, compassionate kids are naturally self-serving.

When Parents Lose Their Minds over “Flip Sequin” Shirts

By Melody Aguayo • January 30, 2025
There is a new fad called “brush changing sequins”. You can find these appealing, brushing sequins on everything from key chains to bedspreads. I had a little girl come into my office with a flip sequin t-shirt on the other day. It was dark blue with a large, glittery silver heart on the front. I am thirty-seven, almost thirty-eight years old, and let me tell you that I had to restrain myself from reaching out and brushing the sequins up and down on her shirt.

Window of Tolerance

By Melody Aguayo • January 23, 2025
"We all have a window of tolerance. When we are operating outside of that window, we behave badly. This window is widening or shrinking, depending on what happens during the day. When we sleep well, eat well, and get the physical movement that we need, our window is larger. Every choice we make during the day either enlarges the window or shrinks it. Every trauma that a person endures shrinks that window of tolerance.

Life on a Raft; Isolation in Families with Special Needs

By Melody Aguayo • January 16, 2025
We still live on the raft, but we visit the island frequently now.  At some point along the way, we got used to the sweetness of the raft – the way it doesn’t matter what you have there or who you are – the way you focus on all the treasures you have, and they seem so many while you are on the raft – the closeness of the people on the raft and those sweet friends that join us here on occasion.
surviving middle school

Surviving Middle School

By Melody Aguayo • January 9, 2025
Let’s face it. Middle school sucks. There is this food chain in middle school, and everyone is in survival mode trying to stay off the bottom of the food chain at any cost. Kids do things in middle school that they wouldn’t do at any other age. They are all pretty terrified of social rejection, and regardless of their popularity status, they all feel rejected at times.
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