We all have a window of tolerance.  When we are operating outside of that window, we behave badly. This window is widening or shrinking, depending on what happens during the day. When we sleep well, eat well, and get the physical movement that we need, our window is larger. Every choice we make during the day either enlarges the window or shrinks it. Every trauma that a person endures shrinks that window of tolerance. Trauma can be a change in caretakers, moving, a hospitalization, persistent bullying and many other things that make a person feel powerless. The children I work with typically have multiple traumas, and therefore they develop very small windows. Requests that seem quite reasonable can fall outside of that window of tolerance and lead to a child feeling overwhelmed, which looks like defiance. It doesn’t matter how smart or capable the child is, when his little window is full, any request can be too much.

Understanding what fits inside of our child’s window is key to success. Your child may be super athletic, but school is the only thing that fits into his little window. Soccer practice at the end of the day may fall outside of this window, no matter how much the child or you love soccer. Often parents don’t see discouragement; they just see defiance.“Buddy, put on your soccer things. We need to go,” can lead to a meltdown.

For children with a small window of tolerance, homework is almost always outside of that window. Research has shown that homework has no benefit in elementary school and very little benefit in middle school. There is no reason for a child with a small window of tolerance to be doing homework.

Children Don’t Learn

Nothing done outside a child’s window of tolerance will take root. The lesson you are determined to teach about responsibility, not quitting, determination, etc., will not be effective. It is often when our children are outside of their window of tolerance that we become determined that they will do whatever it is that we have in mind for them to do. You may get compliance, but you won’t get learning. You will encounter the same issue day after day.

Children Lie

In an attempt to keep things within their window of tolerance, children lie to keep themselves from operating outside of that window. If homework is outside of their window, then they say they don’t have any. As they get older, they get more creative.They may plagiarize notes, stuff homework down vents, copy friend’s assignments, etc. This is very confusing, especially for a parent that knows his/her child is capable of doing the assignment. They are capable, but only if they still have some room in their window. Maybe that means they are only capable before 10:00 am. Maybe that means they are only capable after an hour of play outside. There is a big difference between a child who lies maliciously to get someone in trouble and a child who lies to avoid being in trouble. Most of the time when children lie, it is to keep themselves operating within that window of tolerance.

Show the Child Every Edge and Corner of the Window

Children need to be involved in problem solving for this. Without judgment, notice with the child what activities seem to be outside of that window of tolerance. If at all possible, try to remove those activities. This is hard for parents because these activities are often an important part of the parents’ or family’s identity. Maybe you always thought you would expose your child to music at an early age, or you were a basketball star in college, and your son clearly takes after you in athleticism. These are not easy things to give up, ever. If they were easy to give up, you already would have done it. Show your child the edges of the window when you notice he is pushed over the edge. You might determine with your child that basketball fits into the window on Saturday and Sunday, but not during the week because school takes up all the window space. In doing this, you are empowering your child and expanding the window. Children who feel empowered and understand the edges of their windows feel less stress. Reducing stress increases the size of the window.

Know When to Raise or Lower the Bar

As you practice noticing when your child is operating outside of his window of tolerance, you will start understanding when to raise or lower the bar of expectations. If a child is operating inside of his window of tolerance, he may be easily able to complete a book report from start to finish. If a child is outside of his window of tolerance, he may not even be able to handle hearing about the book report. You need to be able to set the bar for your child and insist on setting it for other adults that are in charge of your child as well. Again, this is not easy. People expect us to make our children behave, not for us to request that adults adjust their demands on our child. It is not the way things are done. It is advocacy. It is what your child needs from you. You may write the teacher an e-mail and say, “I know the book report is due tomorrow, but my child just cannot do a project like this during the week. We will do this on Saturday.” Here is the kicker. It may mean that you write the teacher and say, “My child can’t do any homework. He has nothing left to give at the end of the day and needs his weekends to recover.” You may need a pediatrician’s note for this one.

Remember, the bar is constantly moving. If you fix the bar too low, your child won’t learn. If you fix the bar too high, your child will despair.* You have to move it up or down depending on your child’s needs in the moment. When the stress in the environment is reduced, the window gets larger.