Parenting Shame

Melody Aguayo • January 3, 2025

Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

The phone was propped on my shoulder as I listened intently while my friend was describing her two-year-old son’s first public temper tantrum.   Her first child had been very compliant and would not have dreamed of calling any attention to herself in public like that.  She said, “I was shocked when I saw him on the floor kicking and screaming over something he didn’t get that he wanted.  I was amazed at how quickly embarrassment flooded me.”  Then the woman behind me in the line smiled and said, “Honey, they all do this.  He will stop eventually.”


As she recounted her story, I felt tears roll down my cheeks even before the sadness hit me. I remembered what it was like when I had a toddler melting down everywhere we went.  I couldn’t recall one time when someone was kind to me like that.  At best people would avoid me. Often people glared at me and mumbled loudly under their breath.  They mumbled things like, “She shouldn’t leave the house if she can’t control her kids,” or “He needs a whipping,” or they would turn to their own child and loudly say, “I am so glad you know how to behave in a store.”   At times, because his behavior was so confusing and chaotic, people would gather around with cell phones ready, trying to determine whether or not they should call someone about this woman with the out-of-control child.  I was shocked by how quickly I was flooded with emotions despite the years that have passed without a public meltdown.  Although today I think about those times with sadness and even tenderness toward both of us, this momma who was struggling so much, and my sweet boy who was struggling even more, in those moments I remember feeling ashamed.


There were times when people, in an attempt to be kind, dismissed the behavior when I tried to explain it to them.  This too made me feel shame.  If every two, three, or four-year-old does this, then why I am so overwhelmed?  What is wrong with me?  When I told people that my son never napped, they said things like, “Oh, I have a bad sleeper too. I am lucky if he takes an hour nap.”  They didn’t hear me.  My son NEVER NAPPED, ever! For years he also slept poorly during the night, many nights as few as four hours.  We were beyond exhausted.

There is a proverb in the Bible (Proverbs 10:1) that says, “A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son brings grief to his mother.” This proverb strikes me as so interesting. Why is it that the author only mentions grief coming to the mother? The author was clearly aware that a mother’s view of herself is connected to how well her children are doing.

It is interesting because the more frequently I speak out publicly about parenting shame, the more I realize that every parent experiences shame to some degree. There is enough shame to go around. Mothers feel shame for not spending enough time with their kids, for choosing not to homeschool, for struggling with anger, for beginning the day badly or ending the day badly. There is no end to parenting shame.  Working mothers feel shame for not spending enough time with their children. Stay-at-home moms feel shame for not enjoying the time they do spend with their children.  I think that there is this expectation both from society and from ourselves that we should be able to “fix things”. Isn’t that a mom’s job, to teach her children how to behave? Even though most women would rally against that statement, they live as though this is a sacred truth. This creates a situation where you feel responsible for others’ behaviors even though you can’t control anyone but yourself.  In this post, I am not referring to irresponsible parents who do not provide enough structure, supervision, or nurture for their children. I am referring to parents who have the tendency to be overly responsible.

Shame is immobilizing. Shame makes it impossible for us to be present with our children, and it brings about this sense of urgency to our parenting that is always unhealthy. It makes us focus on the outcome, which we can’t control, instead of the process, which we can. We can only control our own behaviors.  Shame makes us want to isolate ourselves and lash out at those we love. Here are some things that I have found helpful in dealing with shame as a parent.


Identify Your Own Shame Triggers


The first step to dealing with shame is to recognize it and identify the people you are around, or places you are in, when you get triggered.  Maybe it is your aunt who always raises her eyebrows when your child interrupts her, or the grocery store with the long lines where your child always acts out. Just identifying it accurately can take some of shame’s power away.  Simply recognizing it is sometimes enough to stop the wave of anger that often comes after a person feels shame.  Shame is very different than guilt.  The message of guilt is “I did something wrong”.  The message of shame is “I am wrong” (Dr. Karyn Purvis).  In identifying your triggers, you can also learn to avoid them when possible.


Your Relationship with Your Child is More Important Than Anyone’s Expectations of You or Your Child


Remember the relationships that are long lasting.  Do the right thing for the person with whom you will have a life-long relationship.  Maybe the teacher communicates that she expects you to have a consequence waiting for your child after school.  You experience shame when she tells you what your child did at school, but you know your child has already been punished.  Always pick your child.  You will always have a relationship with your child, and you may or may not remember his/her 1st grade teacher’s name in five years.

 Good Repair Creates Intimacy


Remember that no one does everything right.  There is no parent on earth who gets everything right.  Every parent loses his temper at times, and even shames his child at times.  There is no intimacy in a relationship if there is not restoration.  These relationship ruptures are opportunities to increase our intimacy by making it right with our child.  Whenever there is a rupture in the relationship, make sure that you restore things.  Children are so forgiving even if you can’t physically restore something.  Just saying, “I wish I would have done things differently. I made the wrong choice,” shows a child that you are willing to make it right.  Restoration that is genuine, honest, and vulnerable draws a child even closer to the parent than before the rupture happened.


Don’t Get Too Far Ahead of Yourself


On another note, it is best to avoid thinking about the future which can be very overwhelming for a parent who is feeling immobilized.  Just focus on one day at a time.  What does your child need today? That is a question that even a very overwhelmed parent can answer. On the other hand, a question like, “What does your child need to learn before high school?”  Is completely overwhelming for a parent whose child is struggling in kindergarten.

Trauma, Boundaries, and the Battle for Safety

By Melody Aguayo • March 28, 2025
To Set Appropriate Boundaries, You Must Have an Experience of Safety Children who have experienced developmental trauma (in the womb or in early childhood) have an over-active arousal system. This means that even if they are safe, they don’t feel safe. This lack of understanding what “safe” feels like creates lots of boundary issues as they get older. The Under-Boundaried Kid “I feel like I can’t let my kid out of my sight.” “My kid would follow someone off a cliff.” “My kids would try any substance that was given to them. They literally have no sense of independence or safety.” These are the types of phrases I hear from parents with under-boundaried kids. These kids do generally well in the right environment, but if there are rotten apples in the bunch, they join them quickly in whatever activity they are engaging in. They may stay out of trouble until they get a phone, and then they begin to unravel at that point. The Over-Boundaried Kid “My child is always ready to fight.” “Honestly, I hate to ask anything of her. I would rather do it myself than deal with her attitude for every small request.” “My kiddo bosses everyone around. I am shocked he still has any friends.” “She doesn’t care if she breaks our rules or makes us upset.” “He just does whatever he wants.” These are some phrases I hear from parents of over-boundaried kids. These kiddos often avoid safety and seek danger out. Safety feels unfamiliar to them. Safety feels boring and eerily peaceful. Yes, kids can also move back and forth between being over-boundaried and under- boundaried as well, which is extra complicated.

Trapped in Toxicity: Protecting Children from Harmful Environments

By Melody Aguayo • March 21, 2025
Be a Good Parent-Detective No child will come to you and say, “I have been placed in a toxic environment where my growth is limited, and my feelings of safety are compromised.” They don’t have the ability to keep themselves safe. I’m always very irritated when I hear of Bully campaigns that put the responsibility on the victim for seeking help and telling adults. In an ideal world that would happen, but that is just not possible for most victimized children. It is the adults’ job to structure the environment for safety, not the kids’ job to keep themselves safe. You just have to learn to recognize the signs, and if you are confused, then go to the child’s suspected toxic environment and gather information. Volunteer in their school or Sunday School class and observe how your child is functioning in those settings. Don’t listen to other adults more than you listen to your child’s behaviors. No one will pay attention to your child the way you do. I have had so many parents say different versions of these statements to me over the years: “The teacher said he was well liked, but when I observed him in his classroom, I could tell he irritated everyone.” “The school counselor says he is doing fine, but anytime I show up at a classroom party, he is hiding from the other kids.” “The soccer coach doesn’t see any issues at all, but when I pick him up from soccer, he is so dysregulated that it takes me all evening to settle him down.” I understand there are times you can’t take a child out of a toxic environment. Let’s say the neighborhood kids are all mean to your kid, and moving is just not a financial option for your family. In these situations, we can do our best to build a hedge of protection around our kids with more structure. You can tell your child that they are not allowed to play with the neighborhood kids, and instead you can figure out a couple of play dates a week with someone who is kind to them. This will be more time and trouble for you, but this teaches your child that we say “no” to toxic environments and nurture safe ones.

How to get free childcare in the summer?

By Melody Aguayo • March 7, 2025
Sign up for every VBS within a 20-minute drive from your home. If you plan it out well and start early, you can end up with 6 or 7 weeks of free childcare. Plus, you have the added benefit of having your kids scream, “Hey, that’s our church!” every time you drive past any chapel in any direction. Do not hold me accountable for the annoying songs your children will sing loudly ALL YEAR LONG even if your eyes start twitching. And you know how you “lose” things you no longer want your kids to play with, watch, or listen to? Well, you can only “lose” two of the song CDs before your kids catch on.

If Adopted Infants Had ACE Scores

By Melody Aguayo • February 21, 2025
I find it interesting that we consider infants to have “risk factors”, but there is no ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score for a newborn. Why is it that infants have “risk factors”, but then as soon as they are born healthy with an Apgar score above 8, everyone breathes a sigh of relief?

The Differences in Sexual Development in Children with Complex Trauma

By Melody Aguayo • February 14, 2025
Sometimes I think organizations hire me just to talk about things like “masturbation”. When is the last time a parent posted on Facebook about their kindergartner, “Noel just showed the neighbor her vagina and asked to see his penis!” Or how about, “I caught Miles looking at pornography for the third time!” Both of these things are about as common as someone winning the cross country meet, but they aren’t discussed. Parents are discreet about sex, and by the time most kids go through puberty, the kids understand this discretion. However, this isn’t true of all kids.

When Meeting Kids’ Needs Is No Longer Fun

By Melody Aguayo • February 7, 2025
“You have never had to do anything this hard in your life,” our teen son said to us after being given the job of raking and moving an enormous pile of leaves to the front yard. We burst into laughter. He felt so persecuted, when in reality he could move those leaves a thousand times, and it wouldn’t come close to the amount of time, energy, agony, stress, effort, and money that we have put into raising him. Kids are naturally self-centered. Even the most responsible, hard- working, compassionate kids are naturally self-serving.

When Parents Lose Their Minds over “Flip Sequin” Shirts

By Melody Aguayo • January 30, 2025
There is a new fad called “brush changing sequins”. You can find these appealing, brushing sequins on everything from key chains to bedspreads. I had a little girl come into my office with a flip sequin t-shirt on the other day. It was dark blue with a large, glittery silver heart on the front. I am thirty-seven, almost thirty-eight years old, and let me tell you that I had to restrain myself from reaching out and brushing the sequins up and down on her shirt.

Window of Tolerance

By Melody Aguayo • January 23, 2025
"We all have a window of tolerance. When we are operating outside of that window, we behave badly. This window is widening or shrinking, depending on what happens during the day. When we sleep well, eat well, and get the physical movement that we need, our window is larger. Every choice we make during the day either enlarges the window or shrinks it. Every trauma that a person endures shrinks that window of tolerance.

Life on a Raft; Isolation in Families with Special Needs

By Melody Aguayo • January 16, 2025
We still live on the raft, but we visit the island frequently now.  At some point along the way, we got used to the sweetness of the raft – the way it doesn’t matter what you have there or who you are – the way you focus on all the treasures you have, and they seem so many while you are on the raft – the closeness of the people on the raft and those sweet friends that join us here on occasion.
surviving middle school

Surviving Middle School

By Melody Aguayo • January 9, 2025
Let’s face it. Middle school sucks. There is this food chain in middle school, and everyone is in survival mode trying to stay off the bottom of the food chain at any cost. Kids do things in middle school that they wouldn’t do at any other age. They are all pretty terrified of social rejection, and regardless of their popularity status, they all feel rejected at times.
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